Anders and his team were at a resort for an annual meeting Thursday and Friday. He came home with a menu of the spa offerings and they make my massage look tame. Think about what you might want us to arrange for you when you visit. The resort is about 2 hours away but we would be more than happy to watch you get one of your choosing.
Partial Massage: Foot triming, Ears picking, hand triming (these are not typos, I’m writing what is printed in the brochure) and what I may have had 2 weeks ago, Aromatic Ovary Care
Single Item: Scrapping and cupping
Special Treatment: Attractive Woman Aromatherapy Breast Care. Anders and I are debating whether it’s intended for attractive women (Who determines that?) or if it’s supposed to make one’s breasts attractive. Also available: Hot Oil Promote Lactation
Fascination Manual: ( any ideas what this means? ) Fascination Style for Men or Fascination Style for Women
TCM (means Traditional Chinese Medicine) Health-Keeping Therapy has provided us with the most head-scratching options: Ocean Dragon and Phoenix – Anders thinks they burn you and then you rise like a phoenix from the ashes, Royal Fumigation (for woman), Nephric Ridge Fumigation (I dare anyone to look that up), and Foot Fumigation.
My favorite of all is without a doubt: Buttock Fumigation (I guess you choose left or right or pay double to have both done). I think every man should have one of these. I don’t know what they do, if it’s painful or not, but what man doesn’t need to have at least one buttock fumigated?
Disclaimer: I did not make any of these up because as Anders said you can’t make this s*** up.
11AM – 89 degrees
vikarenously 
Wow! I’m sitting at the free internet cafe at Bangkok airport waiting for my end of my 35 hour trip back to Australia to come to its end and am CRYING from laughing at this so much!
The poor people around me must think i am insane and after so long without sleep i possibly am but i dont care!
I love reading you posts but htis one is the best so far. Love it.
Layovers can be torture so I’m glad that I helped in a small way to make it easier. I bet your trip was amazing and you probably have a ton of your own insights that would have people howling.
While some trimming and fumigating may be needed I am always amazed at the back scrubbing. If you need to pay someone to scrub your back I do not want to think what the rest of you looks like.
We are flying to Shenzhen this week, hubs business, and I always forget how “Chinese” it is outside of Shanghai. My favorite it to get my hair washed in the hotels. It never looks good but it is so much fun for so little money. And there is a head, neck or some sort of massage that is not painful and makes it relaxing. I once had my rather long hair washed while sitting in a chair. It was fascinating. They did rinse it in a regular bowl. There were no drips down my neck either.
I have been refused entry to some hotel massage areas as they are for men only with really pretty hostesses.
Wink, wink! Very funny about the hotel massages. One does have to be careful.
A friend of ours told me that he had to stop going to a barber for a haircut becuase it took over an hour. They washed his hair sitting up as well and he said there was not a drip either. While the massage was great he just couldn’t stand the thought of taking an hour or more for a buzz cut.
We’re off to HK this weekend, you know the whole immigration thing. I’ve been refused for the invitation letter for the second time, oh the government regulations here, and so I must exit and return. I just might look into having my very short hair washed so I can get the massage that goes with it.
I think I’m going to Taiwan and Shanghai the first week of Sept. with my hubby’s work. I’m excited.
Nephric Ridge Fumigation “Massage” has to do with the kidneys. I suppose the US version of that would be to hooked up to an IV of fluids and diuretics.
I am at a total loss for words. Shouldn’t these things be done in a hospital, with OSHA regulating clean up? I’m pretty sure you need a medical degree to perform these services here in the US. I couldn’t raise my eyebrows any higher while reading all about them.
I have another concern. Since the literature must have been written in English, they must be marketing tourists. Do you EVER see Chinese people frequenting these “massage” establishments or is it just unsuspecting “white people” like yourselves?
Hey Sue, Thanks for the info. I knew I could count on you. I don’t think that anything other massaging is how they get these “cleansings” accomplished. The Chinese are very in tune with the body and believe that there are points on the body that are connected to organs. Massaging and putting pressure on these points cleanses the body of toxins. Having had one I totally believe it. Anders had one of his massages last night and I could hear his stomach/intestines rumbling from 20 feet away. I did not partake of one, Ben drove me home. The spa was at a resort that is popular with the Chinese. There are very few places in China that are geared toward Westerners once you get out of the major cities. While the spa menu was in English it was trasnlated from Chinese which is why there was scrapping and triming. I don’t think too many “white people” would be getting these massages unless they understood what they were getting. I mean really, would you sign up for a buttock fumigation without an understanding of what would happen?
I feel that there are two things you need to have in order to enjoy an ex-pat experience or travel to its fullest: an open mind and a good sense of humor. If you don’t have an open mind you make others miserable and if you don’t have a sense of humor you make yourself miserable.
This is by far your best post yet!!!! I am still laughing and cannot wait for you cousin to read this one!!!!
Glad you enjoyed it Mary. It is one laugh after another here.
Hilarious! PLEASE find out what they are. The suspense is killing me!
I’m depending on my friend Sue’s doctor husband to tell us what a nephric ridge is. Got it Sue? We need you!
I cannot promise that you’ll ever know what they are. I like my massages to be all about kneading my muscles and putting me to sleep. I think that TCM has a lot to offer and I would even consider acupuncture but cleaning my kidneys by massaging whatever one massages to accomplish that? No thank you. Hope you’re ahving a good time on your trip!